The first ingredient in each line is the correct one for making Lena’s Perfect Banana Bread. (The second ingredient, listed in italics, is what to substitute in place of that one to make Kevin’s Awesome Chocolate Muffins.)

Ingredients:

• One third cup shortening (One third cup coconut oil)
• One half cup sugar
• Two eggs
• One teaspoon vanilla
• One and three quarters cups of sifted flour (sub out one quarter cup of flour for dark cocoa powder, or a third if you’re a rock star)
• One teaspoon baking powder
• One teaspoon soda
• One half teaspoon salt
• One cup mashed, ripe banana (One and a half good-sized bananas, fuck the measurements!)
• One half cup chopped walnuts
• One half cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips — this is an addition, not a substitution.

Instructions:

Cream together shortening, sugar, and vanilla. Add eggs and beat well.

Sift dry ingredients together. (Unless you’re a man. Sifting is for girls.)

Add dry ingredients alternately with banana, blending well after each addition. (Or, if you plan on doing anything besides make bread today, just throw it all together in your kitchen mixer and let that do the work for you.)

Stir in nuts. (And chocolate chips. ‘Cause you have Tiger Blood.)

Preheat oven to 350◦. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x5x3″ loaf pan. Bake 45-50 minutes. Cool on rack, then wrap and store overnight. (Riiight. As if. Divide evenly in a sprayed twelve-cup muffin pan. Bake at 350◦ for 27 minutes. Cool whatever you don’t immediately shove in your face on a rack, then bag ’em up. You beautiful son of a bitch, you.)